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Update on My Life

2009-04-23T14:38:23Z

So, yesterday was two years since I lost my cousin. The aura of anniversaries are much worse than the actual anniversary itself, I've found. I was more upset the week before than on the actual day. But then again, I did sit down with someone and talk to them about it for an hour, which helped a lot. It's still something unreal to me, though. What right does anyone have to take the life of another? The answer is obviously no right, but then how does it even happen? How did it happen? You know? I get myself asking these questions and I can't fall asleep or I can't be around people.

Other stuff that's going on: I got into the program I wanted to for the summer, now I just need to wait until the 30th to see if I can get funding. I'd spend the summer in Stockbridge, MA at the Berkshire Theatre Festival. I'm going to be taking classes, be in a growing environment, be surrounded by beautiful scenery, and even perform in one of their shows. It'll be nice to get a good credit on my resume, earn some Equity points and start to network a little bit more.

Also, I think I'm directing next semester, which will fucking rule. I'm proposing Big Love by Charles Mee (http://www.charlesmee.org/html/big_love.html). Read it: it's beautiful, violent and energetic.

emoti0n_is_dead @ 2008-11-28T12:27:00

2008-11-28T17:33:36Z

Thanksgiving really hasn't been the same since we lost Erika, it's like she was the staple to everyone being together. The only family I have on Long Island are my two older cousins, their husbands, and their three kids. We've spent every Thanksgiving together besides this one; this year it was just my parents, Theresa and me. It's been a year and a half but it's all still so surreal to be and when the three people I told at school try talking to me, there's nothing they can say. And the thing is, I don't want them to say anything most of the time. I hate saying that they have no idea but they do have no idea, and I hate feeling like an asshole for saying that.
Closing my eyes and seeing police tape and reliving that day is just too much for me.

Hey

2008-11-03T06:03:16Z

Hey what's up. I should be writing a paper evaluating the value of fiction when describing politics, but I really can't write a thing right now! So, let me give you a quick update on my life: I had a show last week and the week before called "Aloha, Say the Pretty Girls" and it went very well. The more and more I do theater the more I want it to be a part of my life, it's becoming less of a hobby and more of a habit if that makes any sense.
Last week I went crazy for a little bit thinking about my life and whether I think I'm at the right school. I've kind of came to the conclusion that I want to teach special ed using theater as a form of therapy in it. Either that, or look into special education law and become a lawyer. Big difference, one includes law school, one doesn't include theater, but yeah. I've got some time to figure it out, it's just scary. I'm starting to take education classes next semester.
Romance-wise, school has been eh. I was kind of seeing this girl for a couple weeks early in the semester but that just didn't work at all and I ended up losing my feelings and interest in it pretty quick. For the first time, I was confrontational about it and acted as soon as I felt that way. I'm glad I did, I'm learning and growing up and I felt mature making that decision. On that note, I kind of met a girl in the show I just did and is in the show I'm doing next (Cloud 9). Trick of it all is that she's a senior, so trying to build something has been pretty hard. She's gorgeous and passive and we've basically got the same view on how a relationship at college should be. I don't want to jump the gun at all about this though, and I probably shouldn't even write about it, but yeah.
New job as a day care teacher is a lot of hard work. I have two shifts at 8 in the morning and when I work, I'm usually one on one with a kid with special needs. He's got sensory problems and what I think is Pervasive Developmental Disorder. He shouldn't be at a normal school, but his mother refuses to take him to a doctor and accept the fact that he needs professional help. It just gets me so upset because between 4 and 7 is when the brain develops most for kids with his disorder. I can look in his eyes and just see that he's trying his hardest to even make a sentence but he can't do it.
But yeah, life is really good right now. I miss home a lot but I'm having a good time with life right now.

emoti0n_is_dead @ 2008-07-17T01:02:00

2008-07-17T05:04:41Z

I walked to May Moore tonight by myself and went on the roof. I went through my phone book and there was not one person that I think I could call that I could talk to about what's on my mind. I've never felt more lonely in my whole life. I keep thinking of excuses or reasons for why I feel this way at this time but I can't rationalize anything. Nothing is making any sense to me and I can't finish a thought without another one interrupting it. I don't know what I want or what I need right now, but I've never felt this bad in my life.

emoti0n_is_dead @ 2008-07-12T15:35:00

2008-07-12T19:54:33Z

Before I went home this summer I told my friend that this summer was going to help me find out more about myself. So far, it hasn't. I don't feel like I'm acting like myself at all and I'm doing things I told myself I would never do. I hate being inside my house but it's where I can't get away from. My body is aching all the time and I can never concentrate on one thought for long enough. I keep asking myself if this is what depression would feel like but then I tell myself not to ask that question. I just need some time away from every person and experience something new. I want that feeling when I was on the bike going down the hill with all the wind hitting me all the time.
I don't have anyone that I can talk to about stuff like this because I don't think anyone understands. Who would have known that because she didn't come home that night my whole life would be changed? When I talk to people about Erika and they tell me about someone they lost and try to relate, I know they're just trying to help but it's not the same. I sound like an arrogant, ungrateful prick when I say that but it's how I honestly feel. The only person that is on some level with me and that I can talk to about Erika is Jackie, just because of what she's been through and she was there for me when it happened. It still hurts more than anything that none of my friends came to help me out during that time; kids from school that I wasn't even really close with came to the wake to help me out but none of my "best" friends did. I guess that's life though, but I know if something that terrible happened to one of them I'd be there for them in a heartbeat.
I'm really glad that I'm actually able to talk to Jackie again, I thought at one point that we really were not going to talk again. With time I've been able to realize that I was an asshole and how sudden I ended things was a real bitch move on my part. I'm glad that she's able to be happy and see past how much of a dick I was and that she can take me back into her life as a friend. That rules.
By this time I'll be at camp in Rochester. I really can't wait to go, one to get away and two just to have that experience. I don't care what people think about what I'm doing or about the people at the camp, because they all deserve the same chance as someone walking down the street to be respected as an individual with creativity and a rational mind. It's so important for me to try and work with kids with disabilities because my Nana has been without her legs for over a decade but lives an amazing life. I have a picture of her and Barack Obama on my dresser, she's been in local newspapers and everyone in town knows her for the bumper sticker on her wheel chair, "Shit Happens". Everything that I do is for her, and working at this camp this summer is one more thing I'm gladly doing with her on my mind.
After camp, I've pretty much limited my options between getting a tattoo or I'm going to go to Vermont for a couple of days. I want to stay in a hostel for a couple of days and just walk around the Forest State. I'll be able to have that sense of new experience for a couple of days and just walk through the woods for a couple of hours then go back to the hostel and read. I'd be pretty close to New Hampshire or Boston, so I'd either go to Nana's or hang out in Boston for the afternoon then take a bus home. It'd be ideal if someone wanted to go with me, but no one would want to leave Deer Park to go to Vermont.
That's it for now

emoti0n_is_dead @ 2008-07-08T01:26:00

2008-07-08T05:35:25Z

I went for a bike ride today at Belmont Lake in the woods because that's what I like to do to just get at ease and calm down. When I went today I did the trail and all that, then I just decided to go down random streets. I rode my bike for an hour down streets I've never been down before and ended up in East Islip. Every face and every tree was new to me and every hill that I was able to go down was liberating to me. I couldn't stop smiling, I probably seemed like a madman to everyone who was watching me ride. I would go down a hill and hold both of my hands out and just lean my head back and feel the wind against my finger tips and realize how free I was. If I died right there no one would have identified me until someone found out that I was missing. I don't know why, but I found that so liberating and it made me feel free. I think about Thoreau's Walden and I think about Chris from Into the Wild and that's what I want to do. I want to spend time just traveling and exploring something new every day and not knowing at all what is next, or just be isolated and be able to think like Thoreau at Walden Lake.
As soon as I got home it was like being snapped back into reality, I had to do this and that. I have to do this for my school loan and have to do this with a bank account; I owe this person money and they owe me this. I don't know if it's an epiphany or what, but being lost for two hours in random towns just made me think completely different. I could ride a bike all day every day, or I could walk through the woods and hitch hike like Chris in Into the Wild. Basically what I'm trying to say, is that I put too much faith into material things like money, stupid fucking baseball cards and video games. I don't know what to do about that because obviously material goods are what you need to "make it" in the world.
When I go to Rochester for Sunshine camp I'm going to have about 575$, and I want to plan a trip to somewhere I've never been before and have this exalting feeling. Albeit Canada, Vermont, or somewhere west, I just want to be somewhere new and see nothing but new things. All that this monotony does in life is make me dwell on the past and be upset half of the time. Pascal was right, we talk about the future and past so much because we're afraid to look at our current state. My current state is pretty frail, but I want to change that.
I've just got so much going through my head randomly and I feel the need to write it down a lot more, so I'll probably use this a lot more.

emoti0n_is_dead @ 2008-04-09T11:50:00

2008-04-09T15:52:34Z

When I'm home next week, I want to:
Go to the beach
Go see a show in the city
Go to the zoo
Hang out with Alex in New Jersey
Play baseball

Who's with me?

emoti0n_is_dead @ 2008-04-08T15:21:00

2008-04-08T19:32:38Z

I hate making my schedule, it's always so stressfun because it brings me back to realizing that I don't know what I want to do. Do I definitely want to go to law school, or is being a teacher still something plausible? Do I really like doing theater to the point where I am going to start taking classes and maybe do something with it in the future? Why the fuck do I want to be a history minor or major? I dunno, but here's my schedule next semester.

Intro to American Government (Politics)
Conspiracy Theory in Modern American Culture (American Studies, Legal Studies)
Early Modern Europe (History)
Intro to Theater (Theater)

I've got tuesdays and fridays off, so I'd work those days or take a fifth class, I don't know.

In other news, life is bleh. I miss being home even though I love it here. Me and Jackie aren't together anymore but we're really working hard towards building a friendship and I appreciate that so much, she has no idea. I'm doing Bang, Bang You're Dead! this tuesday and wednesday, which is definitely going to be very emotional for me to do since the play revolves around murder. When I look at Josh (the character who commits the shooting) I just want to tackle him to the ground and hit him, but I have to remind myself that he's not the one I'm really mad at. This probably makes no sense but yeah. One of our shows is on the anniversary of Virginia Tech, and all of the money we're raising is going towards the Counseling Center at Northern Illinois University, so that's going to be great.

After that, the 18th I'm going to go see Jerry Seinfeld, then the 19th I'm going to be home for a week. I wanna go to Six Flags, the Zoo, and the beach. It'd be nice to see everyone too.

It's hard to believe that the 23rd is going to be one year since we lost Erika. I still can't believe that it even happened, almost every day I sit down by myself and think about her, then think about what happened and that day and I just want to break down and cry. Sometimes I do, sometimes I'm around people and I can't. I've got a great couple of friends here though that I trusted enough to tell them what happened and they're able to talk to me and just listen to me. Just having an ear to talk to is what matters most to me, you know?

This is probably the longest entry I've written in here for a while. It feels good.

emoti0n_is_dead @ 2008-03-25T11:18:00

2008-03-25T15:21:29Z

I can't wait to be home. I miss everyone and I miss everything. I miss my bed and I miss the beach and I miss having no obligations. I need everyone around me and I just need to be able to dig my feet into the sand again. I need to go camping and have nothing to do except have fun and worry about invading Pennsylvania from New York. I want my greatest fear to be losing my sandal in the river. I want my greatest dilemma to be who's the last friend I'm going to say goodnight to before I go to bed. I just... need a break from everything and going camping or just going somewhere new is the only thing that I think can do that for me right now. I don't know what's wrong with me.

emoti0n_is_dead @ 2008-02-10T02:49:00

2008-02-10T07:49:48Z

I had the worst dream of my life last night, and tonight when I went to try to sleep I was having another one just like it but I made myself wake up. I feel like I should write down my dream from last night so that I do not forget it.
The dream begins with me and my friend walking to the Dean's Office. I'm going because I was told that I had to go talk to them about something important and my friend was with me just to hang around. I go in, and the secretary asks me to sit down. When I do, she shows me an emergency contact card and on it is my cousins name. And then she tells me, "You can't have people on your emergency contact list who don't exist. Someone who isn't living can't help you." And then I dropped to my knees in the office and started crying.

In other news, I can't wait to go home for a week next week.

emoti0n_is_dead @ 2008-01-25T01:14:00

2008-01-25T06:20:18Z

Come to Brandeis on my birthday (March 14th) and see me play the role of Buff in "SubUrbia". It would mean the world to me, and I want to show all of my friends Boston. I know it's like four hours away so it's cool if you can't, but I miss everyone already and I can't wait to see you all again.

XOXO HUGZ N KISSES 143 4 EVA
T BONE RIOS <3

emoti0n_is_dead @ 2008-01-17T21:33:00

2008-01-18T02:37:42Z

From The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoevsky:
"There's something else I want to ask you, Vanya: Do you really believe that any man has the right to decide, when he looks at other people, which of them deserves to live and which no longer deserves to?"

I wish he thought about what he was doing to me and everyone else as well when he did that. I can't get over this. Ever.

emoti0n_is_dead @ 2007-12-06T09:50:00

2007-12-06T14:50:32Z

See y'all the 19th :)

emoti0n_is_dead @ 2007-10-16T06:19:00

2007-10-16T14:22:45Z

Bouncing Souls and Modern Life is War on Friday, seeing my main man Dev. So excited, haven't seen him in over a month. It's so weird seeing your best friend almost every day then not seeing him at all. I'm glad Dev isn't that far away though, hopefully once I'm done with this play I'll be able to go out there more often.

Just incase anyone was wondering / cares, college is awesome. I work at a coffee / bagel shop and love it, I'm doing a play and I love it, and my classes are awesome and I've met some good company.

It'd be nice to see everyone but this is a busy month and no one seems to be able to come up here and chill for a couple of days.

Be good y'all.

emoti0n_is_dead @ 2007-10-09T10:24:00

2007-10-09T14:25:06Z

Sometimes the boys who should be your best friends become strangers with familiar faces.

I miss everyone back at home

emoti0n_is_dead @ 2007-08-07T13:13:00

2007-08-07T17:27:41Z

It's unreal that I have just a little bit over two weeks left on Long Island after living here for eighteen years. It's not unreal in a bad way nor in a good way. My mind is in somewhat of an equilibrium with how I feel about leaving Long Island. I'll miss the waves and I'll miss the city, but it'll be replaced with the sound of the harbor and Boston. I'll miss my friends but they'll still be there when I come home, and I'll make new friends. At first I was afraid that I would not make friends when I go to Brandeis, but of course I will. I'm social and outgoing. This is not arrogance at all but more hoping for the best.

The one thing that I will miss is seeing my best friend and my lover a couple of times a week. We'll have to resort to seeing each other once or twice a month, unless she get's into AIoB. I know that the bond I share with her is stronger than distance, though. The capabilities of desire are stronger than whatever distance may offer.

Of course I'll miss my family and my friends a lot but as long as I know that I have their support in going to Brandeis, I'll be content.

I haven't had dreams that I remember in a long time, but this past week I've had a couple every night. There hard to remember, but there's one that I rememebered.
It was the day that I was leaving for school, and all of my family and friends were there to say goodbye for me. Erika was there and I gave her the biggest hug and she told me how proud she was of me, and it felt so real. It felt like I was really there hugging her, and then she vanished in my arms. I looked around the room and I saw my Nana there and I looked at her, and I said, "She's really gone... isn't she?" and Nana shook her head yes. I broke out into tears and I grabbed her and I was telling Nana how grateful I was to still have her atleast.

The closer I come to going away, the more Erika has been on my mind. She was always so supportive of whatever I did, she was at every event I was a part of. The more I think about her now that she's gone, the more she seemed like another sister to me. Living just down the block from me, she was always here or I was always there. She watched me grow up; she was the flower girl at my parent's wedding and I'm sure she was there as soon as me and my sister were gone. I just wish she was here now to see me going to college.

Now that I have just a couple of weeks left before I leave, I really want to make it a good couple of weeks. I want to see everyone and I want to actually do something exciting. For just once, I want to do something different. I want to go places I've never been before and share experiences with my best friends that I've never shared before. Please.

emoti0n_is_dead @ 2007-08-06T15:58:00

2007-08-06T19:59:16Z

I was thinking of people who say that happiness is impossible on earth. Look how hard they all try to find some joy in life. Look how they struggle for it. Why should any living creature exist in pain? By what conceivable right can anyone demand that a human being exist for anything but his own joy? Every one of them wants it. Every part of him wants it. But they never find it. I wonder why. They whine and say they don't understand the meaning of life. There's a particular kind of people that I despise. Those who seek some sort of a higher purpose or 'universal goal,' who don't know what to live for, who moan that they must 'find themselves.' You hear it all around us. That seems to be the official bromide of our century. Every book you open. Every drooling self-confession. It seems to be the noble thing to confess. I'd think it would be the most shameful one.

emoti0n_is_dead @ 2007-05-03T18:21:00

2007-05-03T22:21:38Z

So, I'm going to Brandeis. I thought long and hard, and I'm still not sure if I made the right choice for me, but there's no real turning back now. Every person I talked to about the school said it's amazing and that I'd fit in. I sure hope they're right.

The hardest part is not being able to see Jackie every weekend. I'm going to see her twice a month most likely, and I hope everything works out even though I'm going to be four hours away. Losing her is the last thing I want.

The whole aspect of college is scaring me. It's only like 12,000 thankfully, so I'm not really stressing over the financial part. I'm more afraid of missing everyone, or not fitting in at Brandeis. I'm a social person, I like going to social gatherings and talking to people. That's what I do. If I can't meet people and have nothing to do every night, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself.

emoti0n_is_dead @ 2007-04-25T22:10:00

2007-04-26T02:35:47Z

There's one thing that I don't think I'll ever understand.
I don't understand how one person can take away anothers life quicker than the flick of the wrist. I just don't understand how one person has the power to do that to another. If there is a God and if He did create us, why would he make it so that we can do that to each other? I just don't get it. I'll never understan murder.
Why would God create such monsters? Why would He create people who are capable of taking away others lives?
If there was a God, why would He let the lives of wonderful people be taken away by monsters?

Jackie has sort of talked some sense into me; I really don't feel like I should be blaming God for this. However this sick man turned out was because of how he was raised. Not necessarily his parents, maybe the enviroment. Either way, I'm disgusted and I wish he never existed. I hope he is rotting in Hell as I write this.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Unfortunately this happened to my cousin, Erika. I have known Erika since I was a child and she was always one of my closest cousins. She always made it a point to stop by and visit. She never forgot when it was my birthday, and she was my only relative who came to all of my performances this year. She even saw the Variety Show on friday and she loved it. I'm happy she did see it.

Erika was a wonderful individual who always persevered. She's faced so many hardships in her life from school or from family issues, but she always worked through them. Erika was working on getting her Masters in Education at C.W. Post Long Island University Campus. It was always a dream of hers to become a teacher.

She loved her family. She babysat her two nephews, Jesse and Cody, often. She was a tremendous figure in both of their lives. Unfortunately, nobody recognized how much of an impact Erika had on everyone until she was taken from us.

Sometime between Sunday night (the 22nd) and Monday morning (the 23rd) Erika's life was tragically taken away from her. She was taking a man, who's name I will keep concealed out of respect for his family members, who was not particularly a nice man. He was a pill popper, and had many personal problems that none of us had any idea about. One evening he struck Erika so hard that she broke a closet. After this, Erika got an Order of Protection. When Erika tried to remove her stuff from the apartment, this man put oil all over the steps and her stuff so she would have an extreme amount of trouble leaving.

After this, Erika moved in with us. I idolize my parents for being so welcoming to her and for being like a second group of parents for her.

We don't know why, but Erika would still talk to and sometimes see the man. He was a sick man; he would call Erika and say "I know that the kitchen light is on", signaling that he was spying on her. I feared for her; I knew this guy was a sick freak. Me and my mother both believe that he was threatening to hurt her family if she didn't see him.

On that sunday, Erika went to his house to collect money that he had owed her.

When Erika didn't return that night, we were all worried for her. When she wasn't there when I woke up that morning, I was especially scared. When I was out for lunch, I received one of the worst phone calls of my life. My father told me, "Where are you? We're coming to get you." I could hear it in his voice, something was wrong.

When he pulled up, I ran in and sat in the car. "...he killed her.", said my mom. I was terrified. I sat there and wept as my friends were right there. I couldn't believe it. My 27 year old cousin had been killed, and there was nothing we could do. There was no chance for someone to save her. She didn't receive a second chance. Her life was teken from her, and that was that.

Unfortunately the man killed himself. Right infront of his father non-the-less. If that bastard was still alive I swear I would have wrapped my hands around his neck and showed him what vengeance is.

I'll never forgive him for doing what he did. She was only 27 years old, and she didn't deserve to die. The only refuge that I see is that she died quickly; she was shot in the head. Atleast she didn't have to suffer.

This kind of all wraps around now; in the fact that I'll never understand murder. I'll never understand the ultimate power every person is born with to end anothers life. I wish none of us had that power; I want my cousin back. It wasn't her time, she had so much left to live for.

I love you and miss you Erika.

Rest in Peace Erika
3/30/1980 - 4/23/2007

If you knew Erika, services will be held at Boyd on thursday, April 26th between 7 and 930 and on April 27th 2 to 5 and 7 to 9:30.

emoti0n_is_dead @ 2007-03-30T13:41:00

2007-03-30T18:45:49Z

I didn't get into Fordham.
NYU isn't giving me nearly enough money.

My whole plan for college seems to be turning to shit, the only good thing is that I got into Brandeis and I'm getting 30,000 a year. I didn't want to go away to college, but Brandeis has Ivy League status and to get that kind of money is amazing. Or I can take out a 150,000 loan for four years at NYU... I don't know.

I need help making this decision, but I don't know who can really help me besides myself. It's either go to a great school and leave barely in debt, or go to a great school that I wanted to go to and leave four times that debt.

I don't know, I don't know. I'm just happy I have Jackie to keep me sane.

emoti0n_is_dead @ 2007-03-19T15:53:00

2007-03-19T19:56:52Z

On March 19th, 2006, I asked the girl of my dreams out.
Today is March 19th, 2007 and I can honestly say I love her more than I ever have before. She's my world.
I love you so much Jaclyn Elise Gran.

emoti0n_is_dead @ 2007-03-11T23:54:00

2007-03-12T04:08:17Z

If the wealth of a man could be determined by the amount of hearts he touched, Jay Gran would have been a very wealthy man.
If the spirit of a man could be determined by the family he left behind, Jay Gran would be full of spirit.
If the impact of a man is determined by the legacy he left behind, Jay Gran left beind one Hell of an impact.
If the heart of a man could be determined by the goals he achieved, Jay Gran has one of the greatest hearts on God's green Earth.

A good friend of mine passed away this weekend. His name was Jay Gran and he is the father of the girl of my dreams. He was always amazingly nice to me and treated me like I was one of his own. He called me his son and that truly meant the world to me. He was a man who would do anything for his family. No matter what, that was his priority. He treated my girlfriend like the princess she is and he treated her like his best friend. I couldn't be more grateful that I was able to meet this wonderful man.

Rest in peace Jay.

emoti0n_is_dead @ 2007-02-28T23:22:00

2007-03-01T04:25:10Z

Life is very good.
I'm pretty sure that I'm going to one of the school's of my dreams, so I'm really excited about that.
I am going to be eighteen in fourteen days.
I am going to be an emcee in this years variety show.
I'm content with my friends even though I'm prone to arguing over nothing too often.

and most of all, I'm in love with a wonderful young lady whom I will be with for one year as of March 19th. I can't wait.

I can't make a decision.

2007-02-15T23:06:50Z

So far, I've gotten into:

Manhattan College, with 15,000$ in total money.
St. John's University, with 12,000$ in merit money, no financial aid yet.
CUNY Hunter, for full price.
Hofstra University, no scholarships or financial aid yet.
and today I got accepted into...
New York University, with no financial aid or merit money awarded yet.

I have not heard from Fordham University or Brandeis University in Massachusetts yet.

I really don't know what to do, I'm so happy but I'm so confused at the same time.

hey so...

2006-10-16T00:55:29Z

i'm in love. and it is truly the best feeling in the world.